fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I AM VODKA MAN
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
