Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
