Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
