I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize