It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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