I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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