Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
