Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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