hotel room ftw
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
