You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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