I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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