totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
