Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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