Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
