i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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