nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i think i just lost a toe
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
