Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
