Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
