It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
God has nothing to do with this.