OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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