my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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