I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
