I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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