She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
