You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
