I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
