when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
