I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My penis needs a shock collar
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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