I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
