Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
