Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize