at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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