it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
