can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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