so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
