all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
