i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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