Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
