can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I did not marry a roomba.
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