Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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