Don't make out with my wife yet
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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