i can't believe i had my finger in that
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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