A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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