So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
