Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
