You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
