Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
