you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
