Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
