you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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