Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
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i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
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I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize