he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
