Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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