somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
