i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
