I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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